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Why Do Cops in Taiwan Never Catch the Bad Guys? (If Fortnite Players Were Taiwanese Cops)
Above is a clip from the Taiwanese show, “Not a Murderer Story,” currently available on Netflix Taiwan.
“Alright, let’s talk about a recurring mystery in Taiwan’s police history… something so legendary, so infamous, it’s basically become a meme. Cops… chasing… bad guys. But somehow, the cops never seem to catch ’em! It’s like watching a Fortnite squad landing together only to, I don’t know, run away without any loot.”
“So here’s the deal—our cops might as well be Fortnite noobs. Imagine if they had their own KDA, right? Kills-Deaths-Assists. What’s their KDA? Let’s be generous and say… 0-14-2. Two assists. Why? Well, because yelling while running is basically griefing yourself! For those not familiar with Fortnite, a KDA of 0-14-2 means they’ve made no kills, died 14 times, and assisted twice. It’s not a good score, to put it mildly.”
“I mean, what are they thinking, right? Here’s how it goes down: every time a cop yells ‘Stop running!’ he’s wasting precious stamina. I’m talking critical endurance points, guys! Each word—let’s do the math here—each word slows him down by 0.5 seconds. So if he says ‘Stop running, I said stop, please, just STOP,’ we’re looking at… checks calculator…a 3.5-second delay.”
“Meanwhile, the ‘bad guy’ is out here building ramps, launching bounce pads like BOOM BOOM BOOM! and disappearing in a cloud of dust. Cops are down here… struggling over a fence. Because, of course, that fence requires a… FULL ENERGY BAR RECHARGE! Honestly, someone get these guys a zipline or a Rift-to-Go.”
Imagine cops using Shockwave Grenades, just BLASTING through shortcuts. Now that’s speed, baby! But, nope—our guys are out there sprinting and yelling, which is literally the Fortnite equivalent of firing at a wall. You’re just not doing anything useful with that. It’s like watching a noob trying to build a sky base in Fortnite-you’re just not getting it, are you?
“Alright, let’s talk about the one tool they do have: their voice! Think about it, in Fortnite, you can ping enemies from anywhere. But our police force? They’re too busy talking to remember that running actually uses up stamina points! So every scream takes away 5% of their energy. And let’s face it—they’re yelling a lot.”
“You ever seen a cop chase when the bad guy’s just weaving through traffic? It’s like a Fortnite player speed-building while cops are trying to keep up… on foot. Dude’s practically at the top of Tilted Towers by the time the cops climb the first staircase. Meanwhile, cops are like, ‘No fair, stop running, you’re cheating!’ Uh, nah, bro, he just knows the map!”
So our cop finally catches up, right? He’s out of breath. The stamina bar’s down to 1 HP. And what does he do? ‘You’re under arrest!’ But guess what? The bad guy used a Launch Pad. He’s gone. Cop’s stuck there with no mats and no health packs—basically a free kill if this were Fortnite. It’s like watching a noob trying to win a game without any loot-it’s just not gonna happen!
Now, here’s what we need, folks. If cops could learn from the top Fortnite players, they’d know to stop wasting words, save that stamina, and focus on getting the dub. You know, maybe add some hop rocks to their belt, get some gliders. Who knows? Maybe one day they’d actually catch someone! It’s like watching a noob learn the game-there’s hope for improvement, and it’s entertaining to watch!
Hope this got you laughing! It uses the Fortnite vibe and mechanics to full comedic effect, poking fun at the typical cop chase scenario. Let me know if you want any more characters or stats included!
