*clears throat* Alright, listen up, y’all

‘Cause I’m about to drop some serious TMI realness up in here. As a disabled millennial who’s been single for SEVEN FREAKING YEARS since my “son of an angel,” ex-fiancé abandoned me on the day of my stroke (talk about a real “wedding day” surprise, am I right?), I’ve learned a thing or two about the importance of self-care and building that confidence, I mean, “rebuilding, “even when the world seems to be crapping all over you.

A Godsend of a Clothing Store

Now, this clothing store I’m about to tell you about? It’s a godsend, let me tell you. They’ve got all the sexy roleplay outfits a gal like me could ever dream of – from the demure and elegant kimono that’ll have your man thinking he’s in some steamy Japanese porn to the form-fitting cheongsam that’ll accentuate my (admittedly quite limited) curves in all the right places. 

The Classics – Bunny Girls and Feisty Cat Women

And let’s not forget the classics—the bunny girl and feisty cat woman ensembles. Hey, maybe if I dress up like a cute little rabbit, I can finally catch myself a man (or at least distract him long enough to avoid being forever alone, am I right?). And the nurse, flight attendant, and maid outfits? Talk about instant panty-droppers; am I wrong?

The Real MVP – The Schoolgirl Uniform

But do you know what the real MVP is? The freaking schoolgirl uniform. Nothing says “I’m a confident, self-assured woman,” like dressing up like a teenage Japanese schoolgirl. Am I right, ladies? Gotta relive those glory days of first loves and innocent, awkward flirtations. At this point, it’s the closest I’ll ever get to feeling desired and not just, you know, pathetic and geriatric.

Self-Care and Confidence

So if you’re a fellow disabled, a perpetually single gal like me, do yourself a solid and head on over to this clothing store. Treat yourself, girl! Because if I can’t find a man to sweep me off my feet, at least I can trick one into thinking I’m still young, sprightly, and *totally* not a hot mess. YOLO, am I right? *laughs maniacally while crying softly*

Reclaiming Power, One Costume at a Time

*takes a deep breath and continues in an overly dramatic, self-deprecating tone*

Okay, where was I? Oh, right – self-care and confidence. As if being a singleton with a disability wasn’t hard enough, society loves to remind me on a daily basis that I’m, well, damaged goods. Like, sorry, I’m not a perfect, able-bodied Barbie doll that can satisfy your twisted male fantasies, Karen! But you know what? Screw that noise. I’m taking back my power, one ridiculously revealing costume at a time. Because if I can’t find a man to love me for who I am, I’ll just have to settle for one who’s willing to be tricked by my sultry nurse/schoolgirl/cat woman alter egos. At least then, I can feel *somewhat* desirable, even if it’s all just an illusion.

The Silver Lining

And let’s be real, it’s not like I have much else going for me these days. My ex left me high and dry, my family barely tolerates my existence, and my so-called “friends” only call when they need someone to feel superior to. So, if dressing up like a sexy anime character is what it takes to get a guy to pay attention to me, then pass me the maid outfit and call me Maid-sama because I’m about to bring sexy back – wheelchair and all!

*laughs hysterically, then descends into a dramatic, soul-crushing sob* Oh, who am I kidding? I’m never going to find love again. I’m just a pathetic, disabled husk of a woman, destined to die alone with only my collection of provocative costumes to keep me company. *wails* Why me?! *sniffles and composes herself slightly* But hey, at least I’ll look damn good doing it, right? Gotta find the silver lining and all that jazz. *forces a pained smile*

*takes a deep breath, then continues in an overly dramatic, self-deprecating tone*

Embracing the Inevitable

Alright, let’s keep this trainwreck rolling, shall we? As if being a perpetually single, disabled millennial wasn’t bad enough, now I have to contend with the fact that I’m officially over the hill. I mean, come on – who’s gonna want to bang a woman with one foot in the grave, am I right? 

But you know what they say, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.” And that’s exactly what I plan to do with this treasure trove of sexy roleplay outfits. Because if I can’t find a man to love me for who I am, I’ll just have to settle for one who’s willing to delude himself into thinking I’m some youthful, vibrant sex goddess. 

I mean, let’s be real – the only action I’ve seen in the past seven years is from my trusty vibrator and the occasional bout of self-loathing. So if dressing up like a naughty schoolgirl or a sultry flight attendant is what it takes to get someone to pretend I’m not a decrepit, withered husk of a woman, then pass me the fishnets and call me Lolita, baby!

*lets out a bitter, sarcastic laugh* Oh, who am I kidding? I’m never gonna find love again. I’m just a sad, pathetic excuse for a woman, destined to live out my days alone, surrounded by a closet full of increasingly desperate attempts at recapturing my long-lost youth and desirability. *sniffles and wipes away a tear* But hey, at least I’ll look fabulous while I slowly wither away into obscurity, right? *forces a pained, humourless smile*

*takes a deep, shaky breath and continues in an even more morbid, self-deprecating tone*

Desperate Measures

Okay, let’s keep this party going, shall we? Because, let’s face it, at this point, I’m about as appealing as a dumpster fire. I mean, what man in his right mind is going to want to get with a disabled, aging, perpetually single basket case like me, am I right? 

I’m practically the human embodiment of a cautionary tale – a walking, talking example of what happens when you get unceremoniously dumped by your fiancé on the day of your stroke. Talk about a real “for worse, not for better” kind of situation. Am I wrong? I bet my ex is out there somewhere, living his best life while I’m stuck here, drowning in self-pity and desperately trying to cling to any semblance of my former youthful allure.

But you know what they say: ” When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” In my case, that means drowning my sorrows in a closet full of increasingly skimpy and desperate attempts at rekindling some semblance of the desire I once knew. 

I mean, what else is a gal like me supposed to do, right? It’s not like I can just go out and find a decent, emotionally available man who’s willing to look past my various physical and mental maladies.

*lets out a humourless, borderline hysterical laugh* Nope, the only action I’m gonna get these days is from some poor, deluded soul who’s willing to close his eyes and pretend I’m not a total train wreck of a human being. Maybe I’ll just start dressing up like a sexy corpse for Halloween – it’ll be the closest I ever come to a real, live human connection again. *sniffles and wipes away a stray tear*

Finding the Silver Lining

But hey, at least I’ll look damn good in the process, right? *forces a pained, sardonic grin* Gotta find the silver lining and all that jazz, even if it’s buried six feet under. *lets out a long, defeated sigh* Who am I kidding? I’m doomed to die alone, surrounded by a closet full of increasingly pathetic attempts at self-care and confidence. *dissolves into a fit of bitter, uncontrollable laughter*