Trying 300 Chicken Testicles and 100 Pork Kidneys – Bizarre Culinary Journey in Taiwan

(此文為英文版部落格，欲看中文版開箱評價文，請點以下連結🔗 / This post is in English; for the Chinese version review, please click on the link below🔗 ）：

https://fashionecstasy.com/canbian-zhongfeng-yi-ci-chi-300-ke-mayou-jifo-ji-gaowan-gen-100-pian-mayou-zhuyao/

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Chicken testicles are a delicacy in Taiwan. After witnessing foreigners gagging just at the sight of “century eggs” in Fear Factor, I’ve developed a hobby of teasing foreigners with foods that are likely to seem bizarre to them. By now, y’all know I’m adventurous at all things, and that includes trying bizarre foods. And, y’all know I like my seafood fishy and my meat gamey from my past food blogs. Although chicken testicles may sound bizarrely sickening, they are relatively common in Taiwan. However, I’ve only tried them once in my teenage years. The impression is so strong I can remember how it tastes like I’ve just “popped” one. If I were to describe it, it tastes exactly like what it is: a thin layer of skin filled with semen that bursts in your mouth once you bite into it. The juice tastes just like the original semen as well. I’ve made a few foreigners puke with that description.  

Maybe I’ve been eating too healthy for too long due to my condition; hence, although my first attempt with chicken testicles took me by surprise, I’ve been craving something stinky for quite a while, specifically, chicken testicles. Maybe it’s my subconscious crying for sensuality.

So, I finally tried chicken testicles for the second time in my life. The joint we discovered also offers pork kidneys, so this time, I take it further a notch and pair them with pork kidneys. Although upon the transaction, I think to myself I may have a future in organ trafficking, I am no organ trafficker; I prefer to send them straight to my belly. Little did I know I’d unleash a monster and demolish 300 testicles and 100 pieces of pork kidneys in one setting. Now, my brains are still filled with semen.

Lifting the lid of the steaming container, the fragrant scents of sesame oil chicken soup waft up to greet me. My mouth begins watering uncontrollably at the delicious smells of chicken, pork kidneys and nutty broth.

Wasting no time, I am scooping up a piece of tender chicken along with a plump testicle buoying in the broth. Raising my spoon in toast, I declare, “To excess!” and savour the soft flavours melting over my tongue. The sesame oil has infused the broth with a richness I can’t get enough of.

Next, I am fishing out a slice of slip-off-the-tongue pork kidney, clutching it triumphantly. With relish, I pop it in my mouth. The sesame oil etches deep into its flavour. I am slurping and supping lost to the blissful taste.

As I raise another spoonful to my eager lips, the heavenly smell wafting up causes my stomach to release an audible growl. “Steady on, old friend; relief is nigh!” I chuckle at my tummy.

The chicken testicles are meltingly tender, each bite bursting and then dissolving on my tongue like a water balloon. Semen dissolves into my tongue; I can feel the sperm sprinting into my veins. Although having studied human biology, I am pretty sure they can’t reach my ovaries; I am the very definition of a miracle. Hence, if I do somehow get pregnant with a baby chicken, I embrace it (them) with unconditional motherly love. I snap back to reality; with food in sight, everything else comes next. I spot another plump testicle resting cozily in the broth and make it my prisoner, delighting in its pleasant springiness between my teeth. Truly, this is the finest delicacy mankind never knew it needed!

A slice of pork kidney calls out to me next, its fat rendered tender by the sesame oil‘s loving caresses. Ecstasy rises within me as I consume bite after bite, chasing each with slurps of the golden broth. What riches this simple soup contains!

Before I can blink, the bowl has been emptied, yet still, my stomach clamours for more. As I polish off the last drop of love juice off my chin, smiling blissfully, an idea strikes – could I convince the chef to part with their secret sesame oil formula? Just imagine the feasts I could concoct with such a treasure in my pantry! I can dream all I want. I snap back to reality once again, for this is the first time I am trying chicken testicles, pig’s kidneys, and sesame oil since my stroke. I don’t even know if it’s safe for my eczema or even stroke-proof. For now, it is time to let this meal settle before round two…

As I sit contemplating, a familiar warmth rises within my belly. But this is no mere post-prandial glow; nay, it is a deeper fire kindled by the testicles‘ aphrodisiac magic. I feel my appetite awakening yet again, though to what end I am not yet certain.

A light sheen of sweat beads my brow at the thoughts taking form. Could it be that oral gratification alone failed to satisfy the testes’ unquenchable thirst? I find myself pondering more carnal methods of appreciation for their flavour and texture. Indeed, from tongue to other available orifices, no avenue should be left unexplored in my quest to fully unleash their sensual power.

Alas, as enticing an endeavour as a one-testicle-man show surely promises, prudence dictates saving such pyrotechnics for a bedroom of my own. For now, fantasies must suffice – though perhaps on the morrow, I will pay a return visit, armed with a more vigorous digestion and flexible constitution. Until then, these loins shall simmer to a slow boil…

At some point, one chicken testicle slips out of my hand and drops onto the floor, bringing back memories of the time I went to a male friend’s place and saw the crumbled stacks of used tissued tossed into his garbage can, echoes of,” Dada…. daddy….” passed through my head, “What a waste, all these babies…” I thought to myself.”

Hence, I cannot let that ball go to waste; as fast as a ninja, I pick it up and pop it into my mouth. On such occasions, it only makes sense to implement the “3-second rule.” As you can see in my mukbang video above, a drop of thick and sticky fluid drools down my lips. Whether it is semen or saliva, I have no idea at this point already.

Before I noticed, I’d demolished 300 chicken testicles and 100 pieces of pig’s kidneys, and I’m happy to announce that I’m still alive, eczema-free!